i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
