Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize