I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
