my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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