I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
