If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
