Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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