Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Are my feet made of real feet?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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