Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
