My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
