My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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