she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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