Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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