He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
