could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
