you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
