If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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