I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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