You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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