Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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