if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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