Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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