if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
