I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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