meet me or not, i'm out of control
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
