Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
