She bit a glass in half.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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