How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
