I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
