Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize