The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
