wanna go halves on a baby?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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