it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
