Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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