"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if only i could text you this smell
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
