My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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