I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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