I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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