Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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