Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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