Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
