There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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