yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
