they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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