My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
