True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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