Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i came on her dog
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
