My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
