Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
