not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
