My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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