this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
