Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
