just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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