I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
