Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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