I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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