I think I died a long time ago.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i love accidental penises.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
