i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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