Need sex. Gaining weight.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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