Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
